tired?

felt abit sick of updating this...

so much to say, so little time to pen it...

exams are over... DearDear's been a real dear... brought me out... etc... went fishing that day - tuesday.... dad popped by abit... den next day i had fever and flu... well... sucks to be sick during your ONLY week of hols... today's thurs... supposedly cell outting. but mum was pissed i was out spreading my flu so i came home - UGH, angry. the guys are probably prawning now... =] hm... O YEAH... yesterday uncle Adam came to do the face peel for me... wow. now my face is like... i look sun-burned. and worst part is there's a wedding on sat... HOW TO RECOVER in 2 DAYS!!! ARRRRrrrrrrrrrrHHHHHHHH... well... haix... if i gotta look disgusting, dear dear i'm sorry...

reflections... sometimes, i'm neglected, or rejected or just pissed off by my family... i wonder if they do this on purpose until it's become a custom for them to trest me this way... my dad doesn't bother that i have high fever and just dismisses anything that will bring him more trouble from me... my mum likes to get attention and loves to KNOW she's right... and she thinks by speaking to me like some 3 year old kid will help her ego... my sis speaks to me like Pharoah speaks to his slaves... 'put that in the fridge for me'... 'take out the pill from the drawer'. curt and totally snobbish... i don't like saying my sister is a snob, neither do i like the feeling of telling people she's an angel when she acts like a spoilt brat in front of me. my parents totally adore her... slight fever, they take her to the doctor, hospital if needed... they bring her water, let her sleep and almost SERVE her like a god... when i'm sick, self-medicate and just finish doing your work...

they tell me we love u and meimei fairly... fine... if its fair to love her like that and treat me like antie-mariah then i'll just take it... just for goodness sake let me be and lead my own life. i'm not a dog. i'm NOT a dog.

sometimes i pray for them... say - dear God please take care of them and bless them with good health and prosper them in all they do... and yet again sometimes i wonder why i try being SO utterly nice to them... why i bother LOVING them... why i bother RESPECTING them... they don't deserve it and don't seem to even TRY to CONVINCE ME its worth it!!! and the excruciating part is i'm 20... and they're running my life...

its been like a thousand times... i've said i wanna move out when i'm 21... cos they can't influence me anymore by then... i will still visit them and whatever... i'll work and give them all the money they want... i just want to walk my road... with Alex and God... i wouldn't ask for anything else...

dear Father in heaven... thank You for being the strength and light in my life who lifts me up... thank You for hearing my prayers... thank You and praise You for answering them... thank You for providence - food, water, Alex, brothers and sisters, family, friends and so much more... i'm broken and imcomplete before You and only You alone can fill me and make me whole... Lord Jesus i wouldn't turn to anyone else for intervention other than You... i am Yours to use, to mould, do whatever You will... so long as Your will be done... Your kingdom come... Father, thank You that when i have no idea how to express my deepest emotions, even when Alex mayn't realy understand, because You are with us in our relationship, he is able to support me. thank You that when i don't know what to say, You will lead me and teach me... thank You that when others don't love me, when i seek so much more that i lack, You're all i need... yes Lord, You are all that i need... thank You, most importantly, for letting Your Son, my Lord Jesus Christ, die on that cross, bear the pain and rise again just to save me... and my brothers and sisters... and those unsaved... all these and other plans i have in my heart, i commit to You... thank You for blessing me with the people who truly love and care for me... thank You for being so ever present in my life. may i walk with Jesus all the way; no turning back. in Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

exams done.

-.-

'yay'...
tired.

piano???
died.

me?
question mark...

flu bug

Dear Dear, you passed your flu to me... so nice of u to share... -.-

i'm balding in the nostrils... blowing the mucus and nostril hair out... UGH.

Dear, thanks for buying breakfast for me... =]
O. yeah. went prawning today. =] 17 prawns only. =/ never mind, prawn mood swing... and Dear went mad, he talked to prawns and said that the prawn smiled and said hello. how nice.

ugh. exams so soon. haix.

o. and Easter EAster EASter EASTer EASTEr EASTER!!! =] drunken cow... =] ooo and i had to wear leggings, feels weird.

adventure when i reached home... killed a bug. this SUPER huge monstrous fly... thank God i was granted courage and strength to wack it. heehee.

scolded by mum. why aren't i there to go buy camera with them? why didn't i just read their minds and KNOW that they wanted me to dinner with them? why wasn't i like God, just KNOW that they're gonna buy the camera that night?

haix. flu... flu... flu... tired...

i'm wondering if i'll see dear dear tmr morning? HAHA maybe he might over-sleep again. =] piggy superman.

supper? hm. print notes for tmr... pray with dear dear... sweet dreams... goodnight everybody on earth...

goodnight my precious Lord and Saviour... goodnight to the Creator of the heavens and the earth...

i see... performance.

Stage...
Grand Piano...

Glanced and caught my Dear Superman’s smile. Cute lumpy.
Looked at the crowd.
Walk on stage...
Audience... friends... family... supporters... critics... strangers... musicians... people... God... angels, maybe...
They’re watching.
Piano stool... pedal... ivory shine...
Black and white... day and night...
Melody... harmony... emotion... technique... my fingers, they dance... how utterly fascinating...
Sadness... gladness... sorrow... bitterness...
Guilt... remorse... love... letting go...
New hope... visions... fading light... lonesome night...
Happy endings... sad ones... Exciting things... boring ones...
Melody... harmony...
Exhilaration... oomph... intensity... WOO.
Audience... applause...
Chords... melody... harmony...
Life.

Really? What’s life to me? Performance. That's it?
I dunno. I'm still figuring out.

But i DO so LOVE piano... and performance... and the stage... WOO. Love it. Absolutely. =]

Thank God i love Him more. =] Father in heaven... have Your way, because, as i pray, may Your will be done. =] huggies Father.

u know, sometimes i was thinking, was it inappropriate to hug my Father in heaven... hm... cos perhaps He's just SO divine and so holy, that He shouldn't be touched by me. is that true? hm. ponder ponder... well. i do wish i can hug Him... i like DearDear's hug, but i betcha God's hug feels WAY better. HARHAR. =]

mooakx.

i've got

a beautiful smile to hide the pain.

How’s school... and how’s your work... how’s your preparation for exams...
No, that wasn’t what I meant... don’t think that way... it’s up to you...
How’s life... have you studied... how’s you and him...

When there’s not much of love to express... what was it between us in the first place... family?
When there’s nothing else to say... what was it between us in the first place... it got lost?
When it’s the same questions all the time... what was it between us in the first place... friendship?

If there wasn’t love, are we one family? Do you care?
If nothing should be said, are we still walking together? Does it matter?
If you can’t find other things about me, are we still considered friends? Does it make any difference?

Yes yes and yes... may not be, perhaps not and not likely.

What’s happened to my life? I’m lost. I shouldn't be this way... Do this, alli... okay... Think this, alli. Okay... Don't do that, alli... okay...

God, i can't find myself. I'm lost. What’s me? Who’s me? Where’s me? How’s me? I dunno. I’m lost.
Help.

are we?

dear brothers and sisters...

we spend time shooting each other with scriptures, arguing about what WE think the scripture says, INSISTing what we feel about Christ, SEEing only ourselves in Christ, and so much more...

i just read this website and people were arguing about sin, infant baptism and some crazy doctrines... i read people stabbing each other with sarcasm, spite and selfish defence... using the Bible.

if you didn't understand what the Bible says, what's the point in insisting others who give you new insights are wrong? and if you do, is your understanding based on His divine impression in your heart? was it just you - all the 'I feel its ... I think its this... I KNOW its this...'... and i detest the part about 'Bible says this so i tell you its this...'...

the Bible is not to be defined by us. is it so difficult to see each other the way Jesus looked at us? if Jesus were to write something in the forum regarding what you said, what do you think he'd say? did you say those things out of love?

in about 1 million posts, i see about 2 posts asking each other how things were, family, kids - some really nice loving people... out of the others...

we're Christians... are we? are you? or are you just disguised as one?

if its a mask, stop all this shit, take that false-front out and face it; whether you like it or not, God is watching, we all know it. even as i'm writing this, i know He knows what i was going to say, i'm sure He saw what i saw. i dunno what He's gonna do about it. but i can't just sit here and wait. God calls people to move, for Him.

i moved. i did something. because i love - or rather i try.

how about you?

i spoke, with as much love as a sinner like me can genuinely do so... did you?

tired... thank God for everything... i guess i saw all this on purpose... its SUCH a wonderful motivation, although its abit crude to say so... yeah... motivation... to read the Bible... =]

haix. so many things are happening in church. why? how? when? where's He?



Lord... in Your time... =]

disappointment

i think i made dear dear sad today... hmmm... i was sad, angry, hurt... and when he said those things, i felt... we shouldn't be together if i'm making him so miserable being with me; i don't want anybody to love me, i don't deserve this; i'm such a horrible terrible absolutely horrifying idiot who made someone i love cry... did something that hurt him very much... i thought it would release him from being irritated with me, or at least make his life better... cos... well... i don't talk much... when he seemed to scold me, i felt intimidated and vulnerable to insults... like what happens at home... so i kept quiet, i couldn't even open my mouth to say yes or no... i wanted to run away, leave him behind and say i'm sorry but i'm not worth it... but i didn't... i was hurt, he told me he will wait for me to go back to where i left him standing alone, and every step i took forward made me hurt even more. i couldn't cry in public. so i didn't. if i had a chance to look at my own face, i'd bet i looked cold and heartless... i'd bet i looked cruel. cos i hurt him. when i hugged him, i felt worse, i couldn't bear having to go through all this again - getting scolded, having to absorb that look on his face, feeling the 'i'm not loved again' thing... i didn't want to, but i still did it - for some unknown reason - left my ring in his hand... cried, walked away, cried... cried... cried... went to look for him... he asked if this is really what i wanted... i cried... i never felt so bad before...

Dear dear... i'm sorry... i love you... i want you to know this... i do love you. i kept thinking - u get irritated at me, i feel sad, we get hurt, and it goes in a cycle again - we might as well not be together... but i know its more than that... i'm sorry i kept hurting you again and again... its really me. not you... love you.

Lord, i'm sorry for all the hurt i've caused today... help me be a better person, help me be more deserving of dear dear... and forgive me for all the horrible things i said and did today...