tired?

felt abit sick of updating this...

so much to say, so little time to pen it...

exams are over... DearDear's been a real dear... brought me out... etc... went fishing that day - tuesday.... dad popped by abit... den next day i had fever and flu... well... sucks to be sick during your ONLY week of hols... today's thurs... supposedly cell outting. but mum was pissed i was out spreading my flu so i came home - UGH, angry. the guys are probably prawning now... =] hm... O YEAH... yesterday uncle Adam came to do the face peel for me... wow. now my face is like... i look sun-burned. and worst part is there's a wedding on sat... HOW TO RECOVER in 2 DAYS!!! ARRRRrrrrrrrrrrHHHHHHHH... well... haix... if i gotta look disgusting, dear dear i'm sorry...

reflections... sometimes, i'm neglected, or rejected or just pissed off by my family... i wonder if they do this on purpose until it's become a custom for them to trest me this way... my dad doesn't bother that i have high fever and just dismisses anything that will bring him more trouble from me... my mum likes to get attention and loves to KNOW she's right... and she thinks by speaking to me like some 3 year old kid will help her ego... my sis speaks to me like Pharoah speaks to his slaves... 'put that in the fridge for me'... 'take out the pill from the drawer'. curt and totally snobbish... i don't like saying my sister is a snob, neither do i like the feeling of telling people she's an angel when she acts like a spoilt brat in front of me. my parents totally adore her... slight fever, they take her to the doctor, hospital if needed... they bring her water, let her sleep and almost SERVE her like a god... when i'm sick, self-medicate and just finish doing your work...

they tell me we love u and meimei fairly... fine... if its fair to love her like that and treat me like antie-mariah then i'll just take it... just for goodness sake let me be and lead my own life. i'm not a dog. i'm NOT a dog.

sometimes i pray for them... say - dear God please take care of them and bless them with good health and prosper them in all they do... and yet again sometimes i wonder why i try being SO utterly nice to them... why i bother LOVING them... why i bother RESPECTING them... they don't deserve it and don't seem to even TRY to CONVINCE ME its worth it!!! and the excruciating part is i'm 20... and they're running my life...

its been like a thousand times... i've said i wanna move out when i'm 21... cos they can't influence me anymore by then... i will still visit them and whatever... i'll work and give them all the money they want... i just want to walk my road... with Alex and God... i wouldn't ask for anything else...

dear Father in heaven... thank You for being the strength and light in my life who lifts me up... thank You for hearing my prayers... thank You and praise You for answering them... thank You for providence - food, water, Alex, brothers and sisters, family, friends and so much more... i'm broken and imcomplete before You and only You alone can fill me and make me whole... Lord Jesus i wouldn't turn to anyone else for intervention other than You... i am Yours to use, to mould, do whatever You will... so long as Your will be done... Your kingdom come... Father, thank You that when i have no idea how to express my deepest emotions, even when Alex mayn't realy understand, because You are with us in our relationship, he is able to support me. thank You that when i don't know what to say, You will lead me and teach me... thank You that when others don't love me, when i seek so much more that i lack, You're all i need... yes Lord, You are all that i need... thank You, most importantly, for letting Your Son, my Lord Jesus Christ, die on that cross, bear the pain and rise again just to save me... and my brothers and sisters... and those unsaved... all these and other plans i have in my heart, i commit to You... thank You for blessing me with the people who truly love and care for me... thank You for being so ever present in my life. may i walk with Jesus all the way; no turning back. in Jesus' name i pray. Amen.