i see... performance.

Stage...
Grand Piano...

Glanced and caught my Dear Superman’s smile. Cute lumpy.
Looked at the crowd.
Walk on stage...
Audience... friends... family... supporters... critics... strangers... musicians... people... God... angels, maybe...
They’re watching.
Piano stool... pedal... ivory shine...
Black and white... day and night...
Melody... harmony... emotion... technique... my fingers, they dance... how utterly fascinating...
Sadness... gladness... sorrow... bitterness...
Guilt... remorse... love... letting go...
New hope... visions... fading light... lonesome night...
Happy endings... sad ones... Exciting things... boring ones...
Melody... harmony...
Exhilaration... oomph... intensity... WOO.
Audience... applause...
Chords... melody... harmony...
Life.

Really? What’s life to me? Performance. That's it?
I dunno. I'm still figuring out.

But i DO so LOVE piano... and performance... and the stage... WOO. Love it. Absolutely. =]

Thank God i love Him more. =] Father in heaven... have Your way, because, as i pray, may Your will be done. =] huggies Father.

u know, sometimes i was thinking, was it inappropriate to hug my Father in heaven... hm... cos perhaps He's just SO divine and so holy, that He shouldn't be touched by me. is that true? hm. ponder ponder... well. i do wish i can hug Him... i like DearDear's hug, but i betcha God's hug feels WAY better. HARHAR. =]

mooakx.

i've got

a beautiful smile to hide the pain.

How’s school... and how’s your work... how’s your preparation for exams...
No, that wasn’t what I meant... don’t think that way... it’s up to you...
How’s life... have you studied... how’s you and him...

When there’s not much of love to express... what was it between us in the first place... family?
When there’s nothing else to say... what was it between us in the first place... it got lost?
When it’s the same questions all the time... what was it between us in the first place... friendship?

If there wasn’t love, are we one family? Do you care?
If nothing should be said, are we still walking together? Does it matter?
If you can’t find other things about me, are we still considered friends? Does it make any difference?

Yes yes and yes... may not be, perhaps not and not likely.

What’s happened to my life? I’m lost. I shouldn't be this way... Do this, alli... okay... Think this, alli. Okay... Don't do that, alli... okay...

God, i can't find myself. I'm lost. What’s me? Who’s me? Where’s me? How’s me? I dunno. I’m lost.
Help.

are we?

dear brothers and sisters...

we spend time shooting each other with scriptures, arguing about what WE think the scripture says, INSISTing what we feel about Christ, SEEing only ourselves in Christ, and so much more...

i just read this website and people were arguing about sin, infant baptism and some crazy doctrines... i read people stabbing each other with sarcasm, spite and selfish defence... using the Bible.

if you didn't understand what the Bible says, what's the point in insisting others who give you new insights are wrong? and if you do, is your understanding based on His divine impression in your heart? was it just you - all the 'I feel its ... I think its this... I KNOW its this...'... and i detest the part about 'Bible says this so i tell you its this...'...

the Bible is not to be defined by us. is it so difficult to see each other the way Jesus looked at us? if Jesus were to write something in the forum regarding what you said, what do you think he'd say? did you say those things out of love?

in about 1 million posts, i see about 2 posts asking each other how things were, family, kids - some really nice loving people... out of the others...

we're Christians... are we? are you? or are you just disguised as one?

if its a mask, stop all this shit, take that false-front out and face it; whether you like it or not, God is watching, we all know it. even as i'm writing this, i know He knows what i was going to say, i'm sure He saw what i saw. i dunno what He's gonna do about it. but i can't just sit here and wait. God calls people to move, for Him.

i moved. i did something. because i love - or rather i try.

how about you?

i spoke, with as much love as a sinner like me can genuinely do so... did you?

tired... thank God for everything... i guess i saw all this on purpose... its SUCH a wonderful motivation, although its abit crude to say so... yeah... motivation... to read the Bible... =]

haix. so many things are happening in church. why? how? when? where's He?



Lord... in Your time... =]

disappointment

i think i made dear dear sad today... hmmm... i was sad, angry, hurt... and when he said those things, i felt... we shouldn't be together if i'm making him so miserable being with me; i don't want anybody to love me, i don't deserve this; i'm such a horrible terrible absolutely horrifying idiot who made someone i love cry... did something that hurt him very much... i thought it would release him from being irritated with me, or at least make his life better... cos... well... i don't talk much... when he seemed to scold me, i felt intimidated and vulnerable to insults... like what happens at home... so i kept quiet, i couldn't even open my mouth to say yes or no... i wanted to run away, leave him behind and say i'm sorry but i'm not worth it... but i didn't... i was hurt, he told me he will wait for me to go back to where i left him standing alone, and every step i took forward made me hurt even more. i couldn't cry in public. so i didn't. if i had a chance to look at my own face, i'd bet i looked cold and heartless... i'd bet i looked cruel. cos i hurt him. when i hugged him, i felt worse, i couldn't bear having to go through all this again - getting scolded, having to absorb that look on his face, feeling the 'i'm not loved again' thing... i didn't want to, but i still did it - for some unknown reason - left my ring in his hand... cried, walked away, cried... cried... cried... went to look for him... he asked if this is really what i wanted... i cried... i never felt so bad before...

Dear dear... i'm sorry... i love you... i want you to know this... i do love you. i kept thinking - u get irritated at me, i feel sad, we get hurt, and it goes in a cycle again - we might as well not be together... but i know its more than that... i'm sorry i kept hurting you again and again... its really me. not you... love you.

Lord, i'm sorry for all the hurt i've caused today... help me be a better person, help me be more deserving of dear dear... and forgive me for all the horrible things i said and did today...

sitting

butt on the stool... fingers on ivory keys... eyes closed... heart silenced...

mind: blank...

how a small moment can be so terrifying... its like waking up and realising you can't see... or realising you became deaf... one part of you disappeared in a matter of a few days...

as a result of? i dunno... stress? fatigue?

or maybe the flame just burned out. no more fuel to keep the fire going...

maybe it ain't burned out. perhaps a small fire left...


in chemistry terms... i need a catalyst... there are 5 factors to increase rate of reaction... catalyst, concentration, particle size, pressure and temperature... =] sec 4 work =] i'm so smart...

confession... almost cheated that day for prac set... but thank God that i didn't.

yesterday... hm... some disappointing moments... disappointing? maybe upseting, instead... or just sad? or tired... nah. how can i be tired of him... nope. hm... but yeah, he's right... ... ... eh, i'm going round and round... okay. my point is. i gotta open up. i think i kept silent for 20 years and still can't get used to talking... thinking about it, yeah, ever since sunshine+superman i've not sang for him one bit... so sad... how can it be so difficult to share your favorite things with someone u love so much... why...

i'm sorry dear dear...


i'm tired... o yeah. i'm tired. tired of myself... yeah. i'm boring. i'm D_E_A_D boring.

i: study; play piano sometimes; sleep less nowadays; do work all the time; absorb fast but rarely have time to do so; perhaps have bad time management; still working on anger management...

can't even manage my own life and i'm studying business and majoring in marketing and management... how ironic. i'm a dumbass...

Ooo yeah =] i have the Tigger song... hehehe. so cute lar... thanks to PenguinRanger who sent it to me =] MOOOOOOOakx. have a pleasant and safe trip!!! =]

hm... stayed up till about 2 last night to do stuff for dear dear... woke up at 9 to edit and touch up... i'm gonna sleep now... yeah again. but come'on i barely slept enough for the week.

goodnight. =]

o yeah... dear God. thank You for bringing me through all difficulties this week - Your grace is really enough. i love You. Amen. =]

bye!!! =] moo.

dear brothers and sisters...

walking into church... breathed the air... felt the Holy Spirit in me...

'Sing... Sing...' it seemed to say... yes... its a brand new day... a new day that God has made. rejoice...

stepped into the usual place... this... this air of... what seems to be complacency was masked in this veil of friendliness...

what happened to humility...

do we still come humble before the Lord? did i?

sometimes i guess... its human err... and for this, Lord, i am sorry and i seek Your mercy and forgiveness... teach us O Holy Spirit to love our God and to serve Him... giving Him all glory... living in fear of the Lord...

its never gonna be the same now... Lord my life is in Your hands... i'm all - A L L - absolutely, completely, totally Yours... failure, achievement, disappointments, frustration, fatigue, joy, anticipation, fear... from me, to You... me... that's all i have to offer. no more, but no less either. i will trust in You. now, and always...

=] huggies, Father in heaven.

i'm the one again

dear earth...

why was it that - or rather - why is it that i'm A_L_W_A_Y_S the one who's not free...

parents... school...

i can't not go to church wat... and i can't not study wat... aiyo...

tired...