disappointment

i think i made dear dear sad today... hmmm... i was sad, angry, hurt... and when he said those things, i felt... we shouldn't be together if i'm making him so miserable being with me; i don't want anybody to love me, i don't deserve this; i'm such a horrible terrible absolutely horrifying idiot who made someone i love cry... did something that hurt him very much... i thought it would release him from being irritated with me, or at least make his life better... cos... well... i don't talk much... when he seemed to scold me, i felt intimidated and vulnerable to insults... like what happens at home... so i kept quiet, i couldn't even open my mouth to say yes or no... i wanted to run away, leave him behind and say i'm sorry but i'm not worth it... but i didn't... i was hurt, he told me he will wait for me to go back to where i left him standing alone, and every step i took forward made me hurt even more. i couldn't cry in public. so i didn't. if i had a chance to look at my own face, i'd bet i looked cold and heartless... i'd bet i looked cruel. cos i hurt him. when i hugged him, i felt worse, i couldn't bear having to go through all this again - getting scolded, having to absorb that look on his face, feeling the 'i'm not loved again' thing... i didn't want to, but i still did it - for some unknown reason - left my ring in his hand... cried, walked away, cried... cried... cried... went to look for him... he asked if this is really what i wanted... i cried... i never felt so bad before...

Dear dear... i'm sorry... i love you... i want you to know this... i do love you. i kept thinking - u get irritated at me, i feel sad, we get hurt, and it goes in a cycle again - we might as well not be together... but i know its more than that... i'm sorry i kept hurting you again and again... its really me. not you... love you.

Lord, i'm sorry for all the hurt i've caused today... help me be a better person, help me be more deserving of dear dear... and forgive me for all the horrible things i said and did today...