my sad life

i'm so sad. so pls don't read this post. it's for me to rant only.

my life. my sad life. freaking angry at why people have to direct me here and there.

i wanted music. since primary school. till secondary school. till jc. when did i stop?

music is not my passion. it's my TALENT. i love performing or rather, showing off. performance and directing is my passion. together, music is my life. why is that so difficult to understand. i tell people, i wanna be a singer, i wanna be a composer of "songs that make the whole world sing", i wanna be a renowned music teacher, i want to produce splendid musicals and plays, i want to show the world what music can do to heal physical hurt and heal our souls, i want to be a dancer, i want to perform in theatre shows, comedies and recitals, i want to play my trombone in concerts and march in a marching band like i own the world's attention. why didn't anybody understand that THOSE weren't JOKES. i was serious.

the further i walk away from music, my desired destination, the more tired i become, and the more i don't want to turn back. i don't have the energy anymore.

i practice my piano like anything in the world. i skip lunch for it, i play till my skin peel and i just layer on the plaster even though after doing so i can barely feel the ivory keys beneath my fingers, i play with my heart and soul and sometimes lose them as a result, i play my piano for hours and i can keep going till school chases me out, i practice though i have chronic cough so that if i ever am sick during an exam i can deliver at least a merit standard performance to the examiner, i go for practice in tank top and shorts without jacket though i'm afraid of cold and may get panic attack just so that i can get myself used to the biting cold through thie grueling process, i do push-ups so that i have strength to bang my wrist on the keys because my short fingers themselves don't have the length to execute appropriate swing and momentum so that my fortissimo notes are loud enough, i wear metal rings on my fourth finger to force open the gap between it and my last and third finger so i can play better, for certain songs i play till my finger get bruises and nails get chipped off, i memorise songs easily and get called mad by people, i get laughed at or taken as having fits when i say i'm stressed about piano, i get discrimination when i practice more than others during band, i get insulted for being known to have high expectations for music quality, i get reprimanded by family members and relatives for being to strict with myself and torturing myself for nothing, i can sing in tune and people say after hearing me sing at k box nobody else would dare sing for fear of making a fool of themselves relative to my singing, i tell people with potential that they do and i look like a fool, i practice hard despite no time for grade 6 and 7 during my A levels year and got chided for getting a Merit for both, i tell people i'm Cristofori's Nominated Top Student of the Year 2007 as well as their Outstanding Student and i get called insane when i say it gives me additional and redundant stress.

does anybody understand? too many details? there are more. in my life, i get stressed for the smallest of things, it seems. i cry when i failed my 2.4 km run in sec 4, people call me mad and attention-seeker. nobody knows i get scolded at home for failing. i cry when i fail subjects by a few marks, they call me an idiot for crying - to them, it's not as if i failed by the tens, but to me, failing is bad enough. i am well-mannered and respectful to teachers, people say i suck-up to HOD and don't even think that i am RAISED that way.

i have a strict home, yes. when friends come over, my parents are friendly and open-minded, yes, but that doesn't give ME the reason to be wild like i would like to be.

look at what i looked like when i was young. recall how i was when i was young. i was amused by anything. i laughed at any joke. i smiled at everybody. i hugged my uncles and anties and grandparents, i say sweet things to my parents when they take me out. i feel like i'm on the top of the world when i receive a lollipop. on my birthday, it's the cards and the people being there that makes the best present.

look at me now. i get stressed so easily, or rather, i think i'm stressed. nobody in this world knows what i'm going through. my ex told me to be more positive, when i told him how stressed i was in piano.

wait. only one person knows. God knows. Jesus knows what i'm saying and i'm sure he understands. He walked every road with me, whether the way He wanted me to walk, or when i had to follow my parents' planned-route for life.

now i think, maybe, since so many people tell me to be realistic and that music cannot be my career and i should not pursue it, maybe it's what God is trying to say?

but if it is, why is it so hard for me to let go. it's more difficult to let go than a relationship. well, maybe because it means more, but does it really?

i'm not emo-ing. if i am, i would have gotten over this same problem years ago. i'm tired of my life walking the road people want me to walk, but i'm not being let to walk it independently. they grasp tight on my hands, point carefully where not to step onto.

for goodness sake, falling down will not take my life. or will it? but surely falling down at all will do me good. why do people around me care for me SOOOOOO much until letting-go just goes out of their dictionary? just letting me practice for 5 hours at piano and i get calls asking if i'm fine, if i'm sick, if i'm not well, if i'm okay... i'm sorry, yes, i do find it irritating. what to do? how to hide the fact that practice is important to me?

haix. wtf. i shall keep quiet. to my friends who read this and don't know wth i'm talking about, i'm sorry, but there are things like these that i know will be bothersome for you all to know about. however much a best friend, close friend, childhood friend, or even my sister or parents, nobody knows about this other than the friend i know in Jesus.

i shall go. i'm lost. i'm lost. my Shephard, i know u won't forsake me. thank You. =]

yay, thank God i'm smiling again.