Jesus is Lord, still is, always will be

reminder: every open wound, every lash of the whip taken, every drop of blood, every tear shed and ever so much more, Jesus came for you and me, for him, her, 'those people' and everyone...

shut up allison

This is the last of it.

blogging is lame?

just got this vibe that blogging is super trouble some and too ineffective in conveying my thoughts...

i should just kill my blog and ... hmmm...

*blank*???

i am strong, i am smart enough, i will overcome, i will win souls over to the Lord...

my family - impossible.

Dear God, i would like to give up on my dream... if You think i can still take all this, please give me abit more strength because i feel like snapping my lifeline... so, since Your way is the best and the only way, may Your will be done... sorry for doubting You...i can't take all this, but i still love You...

t.s.u.r.t.

difficult to earn, easy to lose...

impossible to interpret, only possible to be attained, not obtained for free...

why people say girls have '6th sense' and have 'women's intuition'... to me, it's just a 'somehow i know' kinda thing... worst part, to me, is that sometimes when we know something we don't want to know, we gotta make the shitty decision of whether to let the people involved know that we are aware...

cousin stella's wedding this sat!!! =] yay. excited?

seeing them... getting married... how they still argue... i'm thinking, why do couples disagree and make it more difficult to arrive at a consensus? would marriage mean that 'couple-hood' becomes boring and no-fun? would being married mean being serious and mature all the time?

studyWAR

why i do the things i do - for the people around me... why i study, for my family...

i think different people have differing perspectives to what is important... i think different people have differing views towards one same issue... i think different people will have differing solutions to problems... i think different people have differing levels of commitment... i think different people may or may not know when to joke and be serious... i think different people have differing expectations of self and others...

i think - i'm different.

books and paper

studystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudy

studystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudy

studystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudy

studystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudystudy

*ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh go crazy... -.-

Dear God, I am getting fatter... good and bad, ya lar... if You don't want me to be fatter than i am now, please make me less hungry. Thank You.

i googled 'SLEEP'

i found:

- maternity pillows, called pregnancy body pillows

- 'hug-me' pillows, which is shaped like half a person's torso

- Hizamakura Lap pillow which is reported to imitate the 'comfort and warmth' of a lady's lap -.-

- sushi-look-alike pillows

- the 'pool-of-blood' looking pillow (lame)

=] so cool. my dream bed will have LOADS of fluffy pillows. =]

snoring monster

Snoring is the vibration of respiratory structures and the resulting sound, due to obstructed air movement during breathing while sleeping.

This is for Superman - I DID NOT SNORE.

Let me tell you all about Log-cake. He is a really really cute Tigger. =] He exists at the 7-Eleven near my school. SO CUTE!!! =] he waved at me today! so sweet of him - harhar. too bad he's not mine. =]

*i think i'm stressed. my fingers itch to pluck out strands of hair and i keep looking for scissors. -.- punch me.

=D dear God, i love u!!! muark!

harhar what will it feel like to give God a kiss and a hug? is He like a cloud? will heaven also experience warming from the sun?

LAUGH with me - number 2!!!

i am going to invent BLUETEEH.

=D

HARHAR!!! funny right!!! =]

were u looking

i think we need to take a little time to realise that some people in our lives are doing their best for us... even if they don't show results, it is the heart that matters, not the outcome.

selfishness maybe human nature - but neediness is human nature also. yeah u can take, but do spend some time giving as well.

=] cutie pie, i say!!!

http://www.little-disciples.com/

SO CUTE!!! Lili, u must see this! =]

look here okay

it's amazing how much ......... u give me. =|

it's also amazing how ...... i can get.

it's STILL amazing how ....... i get hungry again.

=] i am learning to be contented.

* to my dear pretty cell leader, Lili. =] thanks for encouraging me and making my day with your msg today. =] Love ya - God bless u and the work of your hands!!! =]

my sis is the REAL smart one

chatted and poured out my anger and complaints to mei...

she said i'm being too nice and that sometimes it pays to be bitchy. HAHA only my sister can say that. heh.

haix. too bad i can't.

and i can't believe i sent an email to say sorry to the person who made me mad. this 's gonna scar me for life.

sometimes it is better not to ask what things mean

*why do u ask? have u got something to be mindful about? if yes, why make the situation more ambiguous in the first place?

i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck i suck...

Allison, have u done this? did u do that? did u remember to ___? did you bring the ___? can you give me ___? do you know u did something wrong in the ___? please edit this. please change that. no that wasn't what i said, i said ___. no, i didn't say wrongly, u must have heard something else. i will do that today. i will send it to you asap latest ___. i can help u with this. but u didn't say that, did u? do this. do that. pick that up. clean this. clear that. pick up the pieces. play this. open this. throw that away. keep that. help me get this...

i declare myself robot of the year - i don't need emotions, i get to keep them in the processing box where a human heart should be; i can do all thing if u ask; if i don't do things it's my fault as always; if everybody else doesn't do it, i will have to volunteer myself; i don't have an outlet for anger because 'i don't have any feelings, i just need to be not-so-affected by it'.

i am a stupid robot - i'm not clever nor witty; i'm always sick with a virus; i leak from my nose; and i need to be constantly fed food.

i suck - yeah, tell me what u think, yes i know what u think.

it's not what u think or he thinks or she thinks that matters. can anybody keep quiet and hear me out? can anybody ask me about anything else other than studies, church, piano and family? suggestion? o i have plenty. how about relationships with the people around me, my responsibilities, what i struggle with, my health...

my dad complains he's the 'maid', my mum studies and is the smartest, my sis is the REAL smart one and has a terrible temper that goes however she likes.

i have to shut up at home, i cannot cry when i'm upset or stressed because dad says i should not have any reason to be stressed. i get scolded for being too quiet. i'm ignored when i make remarks. family events and meetings are told to me like 8 hours before. DO I FEEL LEFT OUT?

yes i do.

i'm sick. i want to stop everything and play dead for awhile. while everybody looks at the outside of Allison Koh i shall spend time with God looking at my insides - including my lungs and my bones that seem to be ageing earlier than supposed.

one double-meaning...

haix. dad expressed his concern, saying 'very late le, go and sleep lar, you idiot you'.

thanks dad.

thank God is more loving than that - if he called me an idiot and asked me to go to bed i'd probably NO-WAY-NOT be a Christian.

huggies to my Every-lasting God.

and to my dear Superman sleeping in Mac, huggies, sorry i'm not there with u. LOVE U! =]

she is the problem

even best friends can fall out and separate...

poof - pigeon

shoot me.

r_u_b_b_e_r band effffFFFFFFfffffect

i'm a little over-stretched.

do u notice that?

i spend all my time satisfying other people's wants and demands. sick of it. i'm a bird in a stupid pink cage - if u just can't let me fly, shoot me.

charged: GUILTY

i think i'm a really lousy friend.

i have all the time in the world - 24 hours actually - to spend anyway i like. i can pray, i can do stuff at church, i can do stuff for my family and i can go for meetings...

yet, i have no time for my friends. i've not met a single one of my friends as a 'going out' session for very long. ever since entering UoN, my life was like coin-flipped-over...

piano's kinda boring now, no challenge, no kick, no fun... school's even MORE boring... family's like ARGGGGGg-.-bwvvv=P><

haix. now i know what tired feels like.

along i went

leader's retreat - i went... hm... fruitful? fun? hm...

blarh... =D

Blue Rose - iLike

i was bored. i read my own blog posts. i laughed. HARHAR. =D maybe i should replace the 'genius' in 'alli the genius' to 'great'. HARHAR. self-glory. boring...

i'm like google-ing every business term that i don't understand for my econs assignment and i realise all the info i need has to be bought. -.- so i shall crap my entire assignment and pray that i make enough sense to get another near-full marks grade. =D

can't go for leader's retreat. dad went crazy wanted to become buddhist just cos he thinks God stole his daughter. maybe i should ask my dad to put me on an altar and burn me - sacrifice his daughter like Abraham did his son. HARHAR. imagine that. =] can't wait. i've never been roaster before - only boiled and frozen and fried. =]

ar har har... i'm so lame and bored i'm laughing at nothing. ar har har. -.- i played PSP (my sister's) and i kept killing my own mercury ball. sucks to lose. haix. maybe if they had Tigger-coloured mercury balls i'd be more careful about how i swing the stupid toggle. o, joystick i mean. -.- i still think toggle sounds better than joystick. what's a stick gotta do with joy - turning it that when u win it makes u happy? retarded.

o crap. crapping time. HARHAR maybe for Christmas i can CRAP even though i can't RAP. HARHARHAR funny??? =D

TNT - BOOM.

the title's purpose was to amuse myself =]

somethings are better left un-said.

yeap - someone said it, someone agreed with it, so be it.

my family is way awesome - only describable by one word: 'UNBELIEVABLE'. nothing they say will hold true unless its 'i will kill u' or 'no'.

can i be calculative with people who calculate with me? if yes, then since my parents don't wanna let me do what i love at church, i'll not give them the results they want. will that be right? nope. why - because if i do that then i'm totally un-Jesus-like. but i'm still un-Jesus-like anyway, so why not? because that's the way i am. and anyway if i do well, i'll give my certificate to my parents as a present for their next next anniversary - then they'll be proud of me. they'll be prouder than they were when i stood on stage as Top Student or when i scored full marks or when i was getting good grades in school - and i will say 'no thank you, for being proud of me at all'.

i had a great day - but when my parents speak, they totally pull me rock bottom. so how? yay? praise the Lord? i tried to punish myself to thinking that - i went to boil myself in hot water in the shower then soak in freezing water until i felt so tender i could eat myself. then i went to _._._._._ my cupboard 'cos i just wanted to vent my anger and frustration cos life's totally not going the way anybody/somebody like me would want it. actually, it's just me. and then, i was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! - just to frighten myself HAHAHAR

and i praised and thanked God.

guess: for what that i praised and thanked God...

HARHAR - i said 'thank You God that although i'm in a rut in my life i'm so super duper grateful u didn't put me in a cold dark dungeon with bugs and small flying monsters and big swimming aliens; i'd rather be out here trying to stab myself than in there trying to save myself. praise God for my family'.

-.- that was as far as i ever could go, thanking God for my family. sorry i'm just being BWVVfffFFFFT-irritating-and-sarcastic. =D my hobby.

my econs assignment is undone. i HECK don't feel like doing anything about it - anyway after that i don't get any more or less attention or approval from my parents and my life still stays normally awesome.

-.- box me pls. i'm talking. talking so much. Disco is on at my sister's room, F1 is on in the living room and roaring-tiger's at the dining table doing Work. everything's so loud i can't hear my thoughts so i shall type. thank God for type-able-things. =D

i shall go and complete my mission for the day - econs... sounds like those 'soup of the day' things - hungry but my house is allergic to appetite. going going gone.

it wasn't that

i'm still uneasy, uncertain and unassured. i'm afraid of what's to come, but i don't think i can predict the future... well, its in God's hands - that's the only thing that assures me.

my snail-shell is growing in size, i guess due to my growing brain. HAHA.

i told Mr. Crane not to visit me so much already. i like my new weight but superman wants me to go back to original. and something's wrong with my system again... eat less burn more?'

is there 'think less accomplish more' in this world?

weeeOOOweet!

envy me okay!!! i have a whistling nose!!!

=D

i want to stop school and laze.

-.-

*bish* wake up alli.

O!

O!!

O!!!

i saved some really Really REally REAlly REALly REALLy REALLY R_E_A_L_L_Y cool images!!! =] i love good music and i love good pictures... =]

superman is singing edelweiss to me now... interesting lyrics. =] hughug...

happy face

=D i just read someone's blog - someone i don't know, though. she wrote about 'Why are Red and Green the colours of Christmas?'... and she gave such pretti-ful answers =D i like it...

http://colourmehappyblog.blogspot.com/2008/12/why-are-red-green-colours-of-christmas.html

=]

=|

-.-

is there?

do 'happily-ever-afters' exist? or do we humans make believe they do?

since Mr Crane is STILL not here, the only food i have access to are Candy and Food for Thought... Candy ain't so good a thing to eat at 1243 am, so i guess i'm having Food for Thought.

ate my FFT.

=( MR CRANE!!! sobx i want my food... =/ pathetic Monster. 1 will have to go to bed hungry.

Mr. Crane???

cranes that bring familes their babies - they bring me my food... =]

WHERE IS MY CRANE!!!

i'm HUNGry =D

Basic Accounting for Christians

Father, when i give to You, i do not measure, nor do i calculate, how much i give and its relative opportunity cost.

Father when i give to You, because You are my everything, my everything is Yours.

Father, help me to be aware of my speech and temper - i know You draw the line between passion and pride, i know You want us to be clear that we go all the way, one way, the Jesus way.

Father, make me happier and more joyful each day - remind me that You walk with me wherever i go, and that Your presence will fill my heart with strength enough for each trial in each day in each season.

Father, i trust You and You alone will i rely on.

i need to earn money

and then i need to leave my house.

i will leave - having made myself clear, having them know that i will continue to pursue my dreams, having them know that i will still love them and honour them, but also having them know that they are the cause of it all.

i will play and i will write. i will do what i like.

i will hear and i will listen. i will share my talent.

i will stand and i will go - to where God wants me to go.

and of course i will bring all my Tiggers with me =] hopefully dear dear will come along.

dies

i will never, ever, ever - expect anything, from anyone, anywhere.

i will always expect to be independent.

Father, i give up trying. i'm sorry i get people at the wrong times. i'm sorry that i will WANT someone with me. i'm sorry i want a listener. i'm sorry - You have to do more work in my life.

appreciation

appreciation is not thanking you.

appreciation is thanking God

for everything wonderful and special

and for simply creating you.

=] thank You, Father in heave, for blessing the youth ministry in big and small ways... =] may your presence and guidance continue to spur us and motivate our callings - as one body in Christ, to fulfill Your great plan - 'Kingdom Come'. Amen. =]

V.O.L.T.A.G.E prac

-.-|||

burp.

spent last hours doing last minute stuff. why black background - can't i just put Tigger on it? He'd look so cute on the screen. =D

she just cares... quite alot, actually...

only You can make my heart sing

talking about music still feels like i'm looking at a photo of a long lost lover...

but i have God. =] my first love.

sleepy baby

he is sleeping, i am thinking

he is dreaming, i am working

he is tired, i am strong

HARHAR =] *ramble* bwvv.

dear dear, i am stronger than you because i can sleep less and still not be as tired as you are... i think? heehee...

just talked to Faith =] miss ya babe. =] hope to see u real soon. =] huggies. hmm... i hope u still rmb abit of what i said to u during Camp Exodus. =] love u babe!!!

sister Rachel - pls jiayou okay =] i dunno what u're going through but i'm praying for u still. love ya. =]

okay. sleeping beauty here i come. =D

for your loving ways

thank you for being curt. thank you for not saying 'thank you'. thank you for just being the way you are - they way i've accepted.

reasoning my life out of others'

i think we don't put enough effort into being a Jesus to our friends.

i think sometimes we choose WHO to be Jesus to...

i think sometimes we choose WHEN to be Jesus...

i think sometimes we choose WHERE to be Jesus...

i think sometimes we choose NOT to be Jesus at all...

perhaps we could have done more...

perhaps things would be different...

perhaps i could have given up more...

perhaps people might understand...

maybe they think some people think too much...

maybe they don't see the point...

maybe they think other people will do it...

maybe they just don't see that that 'other people' is me.

how i wish i can just disappear and leave the work to the rest.

but then again, the rest may very well be 'anyone else but me'.

who cares.

God.

21 October 2009

=D dear dear superman =D heehee =)

sunshine love u. =]

phone karaoke

superman is so cute!!!

=] superman sings... for me. =D heehee. =]

daddymummy pls say sorry

Dear God,

why does my family do so much to make me unhappy. Will You understand why I do things? Will You bother that I'm unhappy?

=( alli say sorry

sorry. *hughug*

iHate

arguing.

being forced.

having no other way out.

leon!!! =]

dear brother, =] thank you for saying 'thank you' to me. =] HARHAR. don't look so sad okay, look around - so much joy. =] be glad. =] see ya at church!!!

appreciation belongs in the bin

what ever happened to the words 'thank you'?

welcome to my world, words 'it doesn't matter'.

BEFORE: instant replies

AFTER: miraculous replies

*bwvvvp*

sing - sing a song - a SAD one

i miss singing... k-box... -.-

smiley cheeks!!!

i asked 'why are u so cute?', he replied 'because u are cuter'.

HAHA =] Superman is singing for me over the phone... =D =D =D so CUTE!!!

*tired.stressed.sick.plagued.disgusted*

*lazy.lazy.lazy*

Superman is still singing in a cute little voice over the phone... HAHA =] love u dear dear!!! =]

i wish i could be a super-star... a diva...

thank God i'm better than that - i'm a child of God the Most High. =D amen.

sorry Abba Daddy

Dear God,

sorry for the times when i complain and i fuss and i worry and i get anxious and i get stressed and i get tired... sorry for the times i made Alex worry for me, for the times he got frustrated cos i'm shutting up and the times he got irritated because things like that happen a thousand in a thousand times... sorry that i create extra trouble for myself by thinking i can always make a difference... sorry that i think if i do less of other stuff i might have energy to do more work... sorry for the times i speak badly about people and myself... sorry for being critical... sorry for being sensitive... sorry that i am really difficult to please because i expect the best... sorry that i'm just horribly incapable of managing my time well; and sorry for giving excuses like 'it's not my fault that there're last minute stuff' or 'THEY changed things AGAIN'... sorry for being picky about the people i work with... sorry for being picky even with ministry... sorry that i only want to play piano, i don't want to work i don't wanna study i don't want to do anything but music...

and i'm sorry for doubting that i would ever make it... i know that, just like Job, if i can accept good things from You, why in the world wouldn't i accept trials and testings... i also know that You have purposed me to follow one path and that's Jesus' way... You told me to do things - i haven't accomplished them because i'm not confident and i'm afraid and many other self-related reasons... i know i can't keep pointing at my pastor of my leader for fulfilling what You wanted for me - i have to do that myself. if it really pleases You i will start with today. if it pleases You that much i can even do that when i'm sleeping, maybe... haha.

Father, give me patience - willingness to wait for Your time. Father, give me strength - supernatural strength when i have none. Father, give me vision - to see the destiny You have for me. Father, give me wisdom - to know when to wait, and when to act immediately. one more thing, if You would grant me, please show me clearly - play or no - because all the things i see now are man's signals; i want a God-signal.

thank You Father for loving me and for listening to me talk and talk... i wonder if You ever get tired... hm... i wonder if You are afraid of tickles? many other things - things the Bible didn't say about You. anyway, i will be meeting You soon - will find out then. =D love You. Amen.

when everything else doesn't really matter

sound. notes. harmony.

i hear music in my head.

on and on.

over and over again.

over and over again.

over and over again and again.

over and over again and again.

my head hurts.

so does my heart.

everybody gives me solutions.

but all i wanted was a listening ear.

stop.

=D smiley face

i love your giggling...

i love your funny hair...

i love your sarcastic jokes...

i love your whining...

i love you, my superman... =D

arrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

bully ME!!!

he keeps laughing at me.

why?

Why?

WHy?

WHY!?!?!?

=] huggies.

iLove

love to be unappreciated...

love to be alone...

love to be stressed...

how about uLove?

smiley face!!! =D

I ate pathetic cup-noodles… supposedly "abalone-flavoured" but I decided to steal some of dad’s ‘scallop floss’ with some cai-xin (duh, the preserved one).

Thank God I didn’t have to cook – or in essence, blow up the kitchen. Thank God I was born in Singapore where food is clean, good and AVAILABLE. Thank God I went from being ‘hungry’ to ‘hungrier’ to ‘ super awesome FULL’. =D HAHaaa…

Anyway… I went ‘nutty’ today cos of some stupid thing that was due to me being retarded and awake-but-unconscious. Sorry dear dear…

And I miss my piano so much… does anybody know that? Haix, I can only pray labour pain is less painful than this.

stomachWAR

HUNGRY

H U N G R Y

H U N G R Y

I AM VERY
H_U_N_G_R_Y!!!

crying

tried... tired... tried again... still tired...

gave thanks...

tried... tired...

cried...

sooner or later comes 'died'.

i tried.

useless

programmes that can't upload photos or take 1 eternity to upload is stupid. -.-

dear Jinrong, JIAYOU with the easter2010 thingy yeah! =D *shakes pompoms*

iLAME

there's this part in Time to Say Goodbye that is

originally: 'Su navi per mari’…

I mistook it to sound like ‘Tsunami kalamansi’…

AH HARH HARH FURNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! =D

why bully each other?

=] cheer up, brother Leon... you have a really caring Best Friend... Jesus!!! =]

love - seems to be described in third party... he loves you, she loves you...

care - seems to be packaged by superficial words now... i'm sarcastic because i love you...

i don't believe in disguising the love and care i have for someone... i don't believe in saying that i'm forcing you to do this and it's because i care... i don't believe in saying i care because i'm a good person...

i believe caring is rooted in the love for others... i believe love comes from God... in fact, God IS love...

i'd rather have one loving friend than 10 fake ones...

yours truly,

alli.

cravvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvving!!!

i want WAFFLES CRISP!!! =] i still remember that day in primary school when Nicole Poon my best friend then let me try the cereal her mum bought for her.

life-changing sia... WOO =D

yum-yum... =] *salivating*

=]

=D

=]

=D

=]

=D

've got a darn fat-S mouth

sometimes i guess i'm critical... i compare... i am opinionated... but how else am i human? i say things, sometimes i totally mean it there and then. but then again, perception changes with environment and over time... i won't even know when i mean it or not. damn it.

haix. i hope God will make me a better Christian. i still think i suck.

-.-

i think i'm hungry?

crumbs drop here...

crumbs drop there...

crumbs dropping everywhere...

please:

ants don't come here,

don't go there...

don't even appear in my room anywhere...

=D yeah. Hungry... =D but gonna sleep. -.- i wish food will just drop from the sky... maybe gum-balls? or pancakes? HARHAR =D

dear God, please help dear dear's blister heal faster - it's huge, bulging and super painful. please ease the pain and enable him to walk normally again. in Jesus' name i pray. amen. =]

mooakx to all the tiggers in the world, to my superman, and to my Father in heaven. =D

i'm crazy...

itchy here...

itchy there...

itchy itchy everywhere...

i should drink more water - so that my blood will not be so sweet and, as such, mosquitos will not bite me... i need to dilute my sweetness. HARAHR...

LAUGH with me!!!

let allison tell u a joke.

guess why plain water is not good for myself?

because... it will dilute my sweetness... HARHAR!!!

farny right!!!???!!!???!!! HARHAR i'm so smart... =]

i've got smarties for brains... =]

blar

choose one:

1. a whole banana

2. one portion of a banana that has split into 3

i choose (1). if u wanna give me attention, even if it's for awhile, please give ALL your attention to me. =] if i'm getting 1/3, i'd rather not have your attention at all.

=] who's you? yeah, you. =D HARHAR.

=D superman singing for me over the phone... =] harhar... so cute!!! =]

no, i'm not lonely

it's just that nobody cares. nobody was EVER there. nobody understood. nobody can read my body-language. nobody asked if i was okay. nobody offered help.

everybody asks for help. everybody doesn't say 'thank you' when i make a sacrifice to be there. everybody doesn't look like Christ one bit.

why?

i try so hard. i get scolded. i am responsible for the weirdest things for the weirdest reasons. i make sacrifices. i sleep less. i study as and when i'm alive. i keep thinking. i don't stop praying. i keep suggesting. i keep getting 'no' as answers. i persevere.

and all i get after that is nothing.

Dear God, i don't live for returns on my 'investments' and sorts. i don't mind ZERO but i do mind negative. if this is what Jesus did for me and if i have to go through this to be more like Him, then please give me more strength before i collapse in the middle of the road again. if i'm pessimistic, forgive me for being 'realistic'. i can't help it; please grant me Your grace and mercy in the things i do and the things i have no choice but to do. and last but not least, if it is Your will for me to follow even though i don't understand, give me a willing heart and help me be strong to take any criticism. Amen.

Daddy

Dear God, do You love me? I feel sad, do You know about it? I'm so sick i feel like drowning myself. How?

Dear Tigger... say 'i love you'! =] heeheee. i have a new brother!!! he has the same birthday as my sister! yay. =] brother Tigger!!! =] muakx!

=D monday of term break

met superman on the train... =] *ah ha, lucky i didn't go towards the wrong side... heh*

went to bugis... watch movie on my laptop... ate 'breakfast'... heh... i was still hungry... so we went to buy movie tickets... den went for buffet... BUFFET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROAR!!! harhar. =D

but i ate very little today... he kept saying i'll get hungry again soon... tsk. sarcastic. den went up to sit on the floor to wait for movie...

went to buy donuts... bought 12!!! warhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh =D heehee...

den watched The Proposal. yay!!! so nice... =]

blarh blarh... he sent me home... and i won cos i said that 153 would come first. HARHAR. =] yay.

o and i broke a record today... i had 7 series of hiccups... -.- i'm a monster... i'm a hiccupster!!! harhar i'm so funny. hah. =] okay. i shall go and call superman to pray. =D

sick

of things i wait for.

of trying so hard for nothing.

of things i do that get me hurt for nothing.

of being sick of thing.

of trying to care.

reading

eyes read... brain interprets... when interpreting is inaccurate, blame the brain. don't blame the source that you read.

eyes see... brain understands... when understanding is incomplete, blame your brain. don't blame the person you try to read.

*you've not changed one bit... 10 years... same old you... selling your fakeness as your true self... proud of it?

Father, I am so confused. Revive me, please?

eyes

eyes... they see... they give signals... they show emotions... most of all, they read things...

need to go to the optician soon...

Father, why do i try so hard? am i pleasing You?

thank you sibei =]

went for dinner at Subway with Bei... den walked around hougang mall... bought stuff. =] thanks for helping me see the shoe i wanted...

when i double triple quadruple confirm i'll use it, then i'll buy it. =D

mooakx sibei!!! i enjoyed... although i felt like i could die hearing her describe her life thus far... HAHA. =]

i want i WANT i WWAANNTT!!!!!!

i want a michael jackson full collection...

=(

=((

=(((

i waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaantttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt...

recollection

- REMOVED -

*for my best friends to know... =]*

when i knelt before You, Lord, You gave me comfort, You embraced me, You hugged me... You took my sufferings, my pain, all the shame, my guilt and my 'dirtiness' and You put them on the cross. i felt love... i have a new life... with You... my loving Father, the lover of my soul... my Almighty God... thank You... =]

breakfast

woke up feeling that i don't wanna wake up... went to watch tv so i can steal the phone later yet not arouse suspicion... haha...

i just finished my mission... hopefully God will provide. =]

i'm listening to mariah carey songs now... yay. =] pretty girl's voice. =D

i'm eating bread... -.- bread that smells like fish food.

o and i'm fishing on facebook for deardear. =D

okay. i MUST study today. HARAHR. =]

God, please help me be disciplined and to love doing work as You do. help me be efficient and help me do things SOOOOOO quickly. =] Amen.

*ear-to-ear smile*

=] yay... just had a great talk with dear dear over the phone... he's having a great time in the course... hm. tmr i've got a mission - to save his phone line. HARHAR.

and i totally gotta study tmr. go alli. don't keep reading the bible too much...

dear told me to read just before i'm hungry... and that'll stop me from reading for too long. so bad. tsk. but actually hunger doesn't stop me from reading. i can read for 6 hours straight. HARHAR.

mooakx to my bible. =]

muakx to my dear dear. =] his phone died. so i'm going to sleep now. yeah. =]

tmr also gotta help him do his fishing... =D

thank You God for such a wonderful man. =] love You.

oh dear...

what's the difference between anger and concern... love maybe?

what's the difference when someone accuses and when someone states the truths?

what's the difference between me and you... submission?

what's the difference between girls and boys... character?

what's the difference between a question and an answer... one introduces an unknown and the other is the known unknown...

which do you have?

not studying... i'm home... i'm way distracted... what can i do? tell me... wanted to go to church today... but guess plans didn't work out... lost track of time trying to search for scores...

doing work at home always leads me to downloading scores and scores and more scores...

i've not started on sight-reading them yet... but i'm always happy when i see scores. =] they smell like adventure...

come to think of it... i may not do my music diploma anymore... i'm not doing anything about it... i'm not thinking about it until i'm reminded i loved it and was passionate... then again, maybe past tenses should be left with past tense...

i like thinking... but i hate studying... i feel that it freezes and nullifies my brain's creativity... everything is fixed. a question has a fixed answer...

1 + 1 = 2

should u listen to your parents? yes.

will you marry me? yes...

is life always like this? then there was another extreme... there goes the give me a second chance... let me prove myself... give me time to change... give me a last chance... one more time please... i'm sorry and i realise, please give me one last chance or i'll commit suicide...

there's no security there... no security here... no where else is secure... except in God.

security is the difference between a relationship with a man, and one with God.

this is the new lesson that i've learnt in my Christian life...

friend

SIBEI i miss u!!! =]

thanks for talking with me. =D

love ya squirrel.

and also

i work with people who give one answer to 5 questions.

dumbass, so to speak.

don't u just love them, alli?

when versus never

since when is it that 'when i have time' becomes EQUAL to 'never'.

when you tell me, that is.

my life is like 'no promisses' and 'no guarantee even though i say so'.

so i go after things that are not secure... day in day out... why? even some things in church are like that. i get bored after awhile...

i'm in a 'last-minute' world.

thank God that He's not like that. God does planning way ahead. i LOVE the way God works. =] if only people DO try to be like Him, that'd be wonderful.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...

hungry hungry

*stomp*stomp*stomp*

very very

*stomp*stomp*stomp*

=] =] =]

i have a funny future hubbie...

he's singing weird melodies in my ear over the phone now... kiddie...HARHAR... =] the 'in the hall of the mountain king' melody... and he just said he's smart... i'm like *raises one eyebrow*...

now he's doing an up key... and he's whining and singing weird songs... he just asked me if i'm hungry... 'yep' i said... 'i am too' said he... HAHA...

*muakx* =] love u SUPERMAN who wants to keep super long hair - though i dunno true or not...

now he's singing 'itchy and scratchy and very very dirty'... HARHAR... cute... '1,2,3,4,5, once i caught a fish alive... 6,7,8,9,10, den i let i let it go again'... HAHA he sounds so cute...

huh?

'love you to bits'...

dear dear msg me this... what's that supposed to mean? HAHA...

why 'to bits'? weird expression... -.-

can't u just say like 'love you to cubes' or 'love you to crumbs' or 'love you to biscuits' or 'love you to milk cartons' or maybe 'love you to Tigger'...

i'm hungry. very very hungry... *looks up to the sky* how i wish a lump of bread will just drop in front of me...

=] study study study...

used to be

expectations... desires... fairy tale dreams...

sometimes in real life, it appears as though 'happily ever after' has come... until you slowly see the surface faded and the inner beauty and brokenness exposed...

whatever happened to the un-changing and unconditional love... =] this is from God. Amen. thank God there's a love that never changes... thank God that i have a Him who is the Lover of my soul... Love u, Jesus!

my problem or yours - not both

you either don't know you're soft, don't bother speaking clearly or just plain darn loud.

-.- can't be bothered. i don't want to have expectations of anything - now, tomorrow nor in future.

what is beautiful?

is pretty beautiful? how about sweet?

I like to look at pretty girls... I wonder why... I know some people whom are really pretty and sweet... but their character seems to prove otherwise pretty often.

am I judging them? what has beauty become now? just outer appearance? whatever happened to inner beauty? or rather character? whatever happened to moral values?

would anyone compromise on values just to be beautiful on the outside?


I'm losing touch with my piano... maybe I'm becoming lazy? did I lose my heart for it? is my identity in music? no - it's with Christ. Amen.

what's next, Father? =]

hello i'm in church now =]

=] leon just asked me to update my blog. so here it is. =]

happy belated to Leon Tan, my brother in Christ... =] don't be sad that the rest not meeting u... got us. =] harhar...

i'm doing my essay on milk now... due tmr... ARHHHHH...

harhar... leon is going crazy in the youth room now. -.-///

i shall go finish project. =]

LOVE You Jesus!!!

what i love

taught cheryl and alexander keyboard/piano today...
realised i really love love love teaching...

why can't i just do that now...

i have the capabilities... but no choice?
this is what i call useless.

to my deardear... superman is cuter than tigger... yeah... but tigger is so CUTE!!! =D

useless

what does 'useless' mean to me?
- its not not being able to do things when u can't or don't have the resources...
- it is having the resources and not wanting or moving your ass to do something about it...

alicia... update le lar... HAHA... =] hm... appeal for ACFI failed... piano, as usual... good Lord i'm begging for You to drop a bomb or i dunno what so i can have time to go prac... well...

possession is bliss, providence is blessing... pls bless deardear alex... amen. thank You God... =]

goodbye

Michael Jackson passed away...
=/ saddening... i'll always remember him...

=] O I GOT A NEW TIGGER!!! =D heehee... yay. thanks dear dear... =]

hm... appeal failed. o well. never mind. i know what i'm gonna do. i'll do my final semester while teaching piano. =D YAY praise the Lord!!!

sadness

deardear's in malaysia for church camp... stressed... tired... missing him loads... my heart aches for some reason... i don't want to go to school... i don't want to do anything...

i want to see him. now. i wanna see him now... 'God why can't u let me see him now?' i thought...

allison... worship the Giver... not the gift... worship the God who blesses, not the blessing... i have to remember that it was because God loved me so He blessed me with deardear... yet now i miss him so much and i don't know what to do... God, is this wrong? am i doing something that is hurting your heart? Father, give me comfort, please?

vomited my dinner... brother leon tried to cheer me up...

waited for deardear's message or phone call... waited... waited...

my CUTE superman

=] hahaha... i should record DearDear's laughter... i mean, his evil laughter. HAHA. funny... he sounds like Scooby Dooby Doo... heh... hahaha... =] Lumpy............... i love u. =]

haix. not sure of the appeal... but whatever happens i know i still gotta do what i gotta do... past few weeks i struggled with the 'i don't wanna go to school' thing... over and over again... den even when i got sick, i don't even know if i'm not going cos i can't or cos i don't want to... but thank God for people who care for me in school... my drea friends... =]

Lord, what is Your will for me in this season? i pray that You will strengthen me Lord, and i trust You to deliver me from difficulties i face now in Your time. Amen.

aw shucks

Oprah W you totally proved yourself dumb.

much as i hate to say this, u think u've got brains but please think who gave them to You. that's God. now i seriously wonder why He wasted that time. wake up your stupid ideas.

ugh. i feel so disgusted after i watched some Oprah W Church thing. blinded people.

thank You God

Father in heaven, for everything that i always forget to give thanks for, i give You thanks and praise...

for bringing dear dear alex home safely each time he travels... for bringing me safely wherever i go... for helping me cope with my studies and giving me wisdom to know and understand concepts... for all the material things i possess... for clean water to drink... for food to eat...

etc... sorry... interruption. to be continued, maybe...

Dear Father in heaven, i pray here a simple prayer for my sister, Crystal. i ask for Your loving grace and comfort to be upon her now. help her know in her heart a peace that transcends all understanding, and let the mountain that separates her from You be gone - i pray this in faith and i claim Your promise that it will be gone, if we ask in faith. Father, i pray that may Your Holy Spirit lead her back to Your cross once more, and may she know in her heart that You are a good and able God and nothing is too powerful for You. reveal to her what You want her to see and may she receive conviction so strong, o Lord, that she may take the step of faith to answer Your call. Help her not to be fearful but to trust completely in You for You have never and will never leave her. i ask these in Jesus' name, Amen.

what's heaven like?

hm... maybe...

maybe God sorta likes Tigger too... or maybe He knows i like Tigger stuff and i'll be in an orange and black-striped robe... HARHAR... or better still maybe Tigger stays in heaven's very own hundred-acre-wood. in heaven's disneyland... =]

maybe i'll be spending time with God... we can eat waffles crisp in milk together... or famous amos cookies... or lollipops... we can admire roses together... den we can play computer games together... maybe we can play piano duets... yeah? yeah... maybe God is the most PRO pianist ever... HARHAR...

ooo... and i'll write songs when i'm in heaven... and God'll be able to read my handwriting... =] YAY.

hm... God's never been swimming right? maybe i can teach Him swimming... HARHAR. =]

i just told deardear i'm praying that in heaven there'd be no bugs or creepy-crawlies... no moths or beetles or snails or flying attacking creatures... well, if there is, i'm sure God will protect me from them, or i'd be able to speak to them and negotiate a thingy so they don't come near me if i share some food with them or what... but yeah... i still prefer if there're none such things in heaven. =]

i love You, Father...

hello my Abba Daddy

dear Father, thank You that i don't need to prove myself worthy or deserving of Your love to receive Your love... i know, now, again, that You love me unconditionally. i know that You love me for who i am. You love me not because of what i can do or what i can become. You love me simply because of who i am. You are happy to speak with me and i know You are proud of me the way i am. even when i fail, i know You still love me and would not put me down. i give You thanks and praise for who You are in my life - You're my loving Saviour, my closest friend, my God the Father, the living God, Your majesty... and i know You're more than i can ever imagine You to be. i'm a princess of God, i'm clothed in the finest royal robe with matching shoes and i have a ring on my finger given by You... i am walking hand in hand with You... i'll play with my Tigger-soft-toy with You and i'd eat Waffles Crisp in milk together with You... i will sit at the piano and sing for You... =]

i love You, Father... i love You.

Love always, Your daughter, allison.

decide?

going to church, coming for cell, doing quiet time...

its a choice that i make a habit.
its a CHOICE that i make a HABIT.
get it?

realisation

i was sad... but you never found out...

dear God, i don't understand why my family would treat me this way... do they love me? i feel alone at home, Lord, and i don't have strength of my own to survive this any longer... my dear Best Friend, sometimes i feel like running away, never letting anyone know where i'd be... never wanting to be found... sometimes i ask if i'm meant to be like this. but i know my Father in heaven has never purposed for man to be alone... and i believe my almighty God's grace is enough to sustain me... the devil will not bring me down. i am standing firm on my foundation, i am depending completely on my Saviour Jesus to deliver me... Father sometimes i feel that no one will ever understand me - maybe not even Alex, i dunno. teach me o Lord how to love and open my heart to someone who loves me so much... help me be bold for the Lord and sing His praises all my life... Abba Father, i don't want to dream a dream and let life destroy it... i give You, dear God, all my hopes, dreams and wishes - they're all Yours to use for Your glory. thank You for loving me and for knowing my deepest longings and my needs. thank You for providing for me all these years and showering me with blessings... thank You for covering me in Your Son's blood and salvation... thank You for lifting me up when i'm down. thank You for being my strength when my own self fails me... thank You for being in control of it all. thank You for planting the dream and purpose You had for me in my heart... and thank You for not giving up on me even when others don't see me the way You do... thank You, dear God, for treasures that have been given to me - Alex, my brothers and sisters, friends, family, relatives, music, salvation, food, water, a bed to sleep in, and so much more... God, You are indescribable... You are a good God and i know You are faithful... i love You, Father... thank You for loving me the way i am...

Lord Jesus, You touch and You healed people. when they believed, they were granted a miracle. i ask for You to give antie Mee Hua a fresh touch of Your loving grace and heal her. Deliver her from pain and suffering so that she will be well again. in all these, the glory is Yours.

i ask these in Jesus name. Amen.

say YAY with me!!! =D

Your result for The Deep and Meaningful Winnie-The-Pooh Character Test ...
Tigger

And as they went, Tigger told Roo (who wanted to know) all about the things that Tiggers could do.

"Can they fly?" asked Roo.

"Yes," said Tigger, "they're very good flyers, Tiggers are. Strornry good flyers."

"Oo!" said Roo. "Can they fly as well as Owl?"

"Yes," said Tigger. "Only they don't want to."

"Why don't they want to?" well, they just don't like it somehow."

Roo couldn't understand this, because he thought it would be lovely to be able to fly, but Tigger said it was difficult to explain to anybody who wasn't a Tigger himself.

You scored as Tigger!

ABOUT TIGGER: Tigger is the newest addition to the Hundred Acre Wood, and he lives with Kanga and Roo, because Roo's strengthening medicine turned out to be the thing that Tiggers like best. Tigger is bouncy and confident -some of his friends think he is a little TOO bouncy and confident, but attempts to unbounce him tend to be fruitless.

WHAT THIS SAYS ABOUT YOU: You are a positive and confident person. You feel capable of dealing with anything and everything, and funnily enough, you usually ARE. You don't worry about much, and you love to go out and find new adventures.

Your friends and family might sometimes be a little exasperated by your boundless enthusiasm. You don't like to admit your mistakes, and when you find yourself in over you head, you tend to bluff your way out of things. You would be surprised, however, at how happy the people around you would be if you would actually admit to a mistake. It would make you seem more human, somehow.

today...

thought of a few things...

(1) reading the bible daily, or WANTING to read it, or even just praying... its a choice... seems like a choice at first... me? i made my choice a habit... just like brushing teeth is a choice that we all made into a habit, we can make praying a choice that becomes our habit. its a good habit, so we tend to keep it and we do benefit from it. =] yay. Praise the Lord...

(2) when someone asks me 'how do you serve the Lord?', i answer 'hm...'

(3) allison - new term started. u gotta study. HARD. REALLLLLLLLLLY hard... really really really hard... haix. this never seems to work. maybe i should make homework my 2nd boyfriend... such a boring boyfriend though... i still prefer my Superman. =]

* i like cookies... i LOVE Famous Amous cookies...
* i love Tigger... how can anyone not love him... he's so cute... =]
* i love God my Father in heaven who loves me so much too...
* Sunshine loves Superman... cow and bull - maybe? HAHA. the eat-alot and eat-ALOT... =]

i'm sleepy. i shall go plant ideas for my HR mgt project... boring...

o. and i'm sick... but i took medicine on my own... i ate 1 Ferrero Rocher, a few other kinds of chocolate, and some Famous Amous cookies... i hope it'd cure me asap. HEEHEE... =] muakx dear dear, thanks for my newest brother. HEEHEE. =]

what a wonderful invention...

=] Goggle: Tumble Time Tigger... =]

TIGGER!!! =] he tumbles... and he laughs HOOHOO HOO HOOOOOO!!!! =]

heehee.

tired?

felt abit sick of updating this...

so much to say, so little time to pen it...

exams are over... DearDear's been a real dear... brought me out... etc... went fishing that day - tuesday.... dad popped by abit... den next day i had fever and flu... well... sucks to be sick during your ONLY week of hols... today's thurs... supposedly cell outting. but mum was pissed i was out spreading my flu so i came home - UGH, angry. the guys are probably prawning now... =] hm... O YEAH... yesterday uncle Adam came to do the face peel for me... wow. now my face is like... i look sun-burned. and worst part is there's a wedding on sat... HOW TO RECOVER in 2 DAYS!!! ARRRRrrrrrrrrrrHHHHHHHH... well... haix... if i gotta look disgusting, dear dear i'm sorry...

reflections... sometimes, i'm neglected, or rejected or just pissed off by my family... i wonder if they do this on purpose until it's become a custom for them to trest me this way... my dad doesn't bother that i have high fever and just dismisses anything that will bring him more trouble from me... my mum likes to get attention and loves to KNOW she's right... and she thinks by speaking to me like some 3 year old kid will help her ego... my sis speaks to me like Pharoah speaks to his slaves... 'put that in the fridge for me'... 'take out the pill from the drawer'. curt and totally snobbish... i don't like saying my sister is a snob, neither do i like the feeling of telling people she's an angel when she acts like a spoilt brat in front of me. my parents totally adore her... slight fever, they take her to the doctor, hospital if needed... they bring her water, let her sleep and almost SERVE her like a god... when i'm sick, self-medicate and just finish doing your work...

they tell me we love u and meimei fairly... fine... if its fair to love her like that and treat me like antie-mariah then i'll just take it... just for goodness sake let me be and lead my own life. i'm not a dog. i'm NOT a dog.

sometimes i pray for them... say - dear God please take care of them and bless them with good health and prosper them in all they do... and yet again sometimes i wonder why i try being SO utterly nice to them... why i bother LOVING them... why i bother RESPECTING them... they don't deserve it and don't seem to even TRY to CONVINCE ME its worth it!!! and the excruciating part is i'm 20... and they're running my life...

its been like a thousand times... i've said i wanna move out when i'm 21... cos they can't influence me anymore by then... i will still visit them and whatever... i'll work and give them all the money they want... i just want to walk my road... with Alex and God... i wouldn't ask for anything else...

dear Father in heaven... thank You for being the strength and light in my life who lifts me up... thank You for hearing my prayers... thank You and praise You for answering them... thank You for providence - food, water, Alex, brothers and sisters, family, friends and so much more... i'm broken and imcomplete before You and only You alone can fill me and make me whole... Lord Jesus i wouldn't turn to anyone else for intervention other than You... i am Yours to use, to mould, do whatever You will... so long as Your will be done... Your kingdom come... Father, thank You that when i have no idea how to express my deepest emotions, even when Alex mayn't realy understand, because You are with us in our relationship, he is able to support me. thank You that when i don't know what to say, You will lead me and teach me... thank You that when others don't love me, when i seek so much more that i lack, You're all i need... yes Lord, You are all that i need... thank You, most importantly, for letting Your Son, my Lord Jesus Christ, die on that cross, bear the pain and rise again just to save me... and my brothers and sisters... and those unsaved... all these and other plans i have in my heart, i commit to You... thank You for blessing me with the people who truly love and care for me... thank You for being so ever present in my life. may i walk with Jesus all the way; no turning back. in Jesus' name i pray. Amen.

exams done.

-.-

'yay'...
tired.

piano???
died.

me?
question mark...

flu bug

Dear Dear, you passed your flu to me... so nice of u to share... -.-

i'm balding in the nostrils... blowing the mucus and nostril hair out... UGH.

Dear, thanks for buying breakfast for me... =]
O. yeah. went prawning today. =] 17 prawns only. =/ never mind, prawn mood swing... and Dear went mad, he talked to prawns and said that the prawn smiled and said hello. how nice.

ugh. exams so soon. haix.

o. and Easter EAster EASter EASTer EASTEr EASTER!!! =] drunken cow... =] ooo and i had to wear leggings, feels weird.

adventure when i reached home... killed a bug. this SUPER huge monstrous fly... thank God i was granted courage and strength to wack it. heehee.

scolded by mum. why aren't i there to go buy camera with them? why didn't i just read their minds and KNOW that they wanted me to dinner with them? why wasn't i like God, just KNOW that they're gonna buy the camera that night?

haix. flu... flu... flu... tired...

i'm wondering if i'll see dear dear tmr morning? HAHA maybe he might over-sleep again. =] piggy superman.

supper? hm. print notes for tmr... pray with dear dear... sweet dreams... goodnight everybody on earth...

goodnight my precious Lord and Saviour... goodnight to the Creator of the heavens and the earth...

i see... performance.

Stage...
Grand Piano...

Glanced and caught my Dear Superman’s smile. Cute lumpy.
Looked at the crowd.
Walk on stage...
Audience... friends... family... supporters... critics... strangers... musicians... people... God... angels, maybe...
They’re watching.
Piano stool... pedal... ivory shine...
Black and white... day and night...
Melody... harmony... emotion... technique... my fingers, they dance... how utterly fascinating...
Sadness... gladness... sorrow... bitterness...
Guilt... remorse... love... letting go...
New hope... visions... fading light... lonesome night...
Happy endings... sad ones... Exciting things... boring ones...
Melody... harmony...
Exhilaration... oomph... intensity... WOO.
Audience... applause...
Chords... melody... harmony...
Life.

Really? What’s life to me? Performance. That's it?
I dunno. I'm still figuring out.

But i DO so LOVE piano... and performance... and the stage... WOO. Love it. Absolutely. =]

Thank God i love Him more. =] Father in heaven... have Your way, because, as i pray, may Your will be done. =] huggies Father.

u know, sometimes i was thinking, was it inappropriate to hug my Father in heaven... hm... cos perhaps He's just SO divine and so holy, that He shouldn't be touched by me. is that true? hm. ponder ponder... well. i do wish i can hug Him... i like DearDear's hug, but i betcha God's hug feels WAY better. HARHAR. =]

mooakx.

i've got

a beautiful smile to hide the pain.

How’s school... and how’s your work... how’s your preparation for exams...
No, that wasn’t what I meant... don’t think that way... it’s up to you...
How’s life... have you studied... how’s you and him...

When there’s not much of love to express... what was it between us in the first place... family?
When there’s nothing else to say... what was it between us in the first place... it got lost?
When it’s the same questions all the time... what was it between us in the first place... friendship?

If there wasn’t love, are we one family? Do you care?
If nothing should be said, are we still walking together? Does it matter?
If you can’t find other things about me, are we still considered friends? Does it make any difference?

Yes yes and yes... may not be, perhaps not and not likely.

What’s happened to my life? I’m lost. I shouldn't be this way... Do this, alli... okay... Think this, alli. Okay... Don't do that, alli... okay...

God, i can't find myself. I'm lost. What’s me? Who’s me? Where’s me? How’s me? I dunno. I’m lost.
Help.

are we?

dear brothers and sisters...

we spend time shooting each other with scriptures, arguing about what WE think the scripture says, INSISTing what we feel about Christ, SEEing only ourselves in Christ, and so much more...

i just read this website and people were arguing about sin, infant baptism and some crazy doctrines... i read people stabbing each other with sarcasm, spite and selfish defence... using the Bible.

if you didn't understand what the Bible says, what's the point in insisting others who give you new insights are wrong? and if you do, is your understanding based on His divine impression in your heart? was it just you - all the 'I feel its ... I think its this... I KNOW its this...'... and i detest the part about 'Bible says this so i tell you its this...'...

the Bible is not to be defined by us. is it so difficult to see each other the way Jesus looked at us? if Jesus were to write something in the forum regarding what you said, what do you think he'd say? did you say those things out of love?

in about 1 million posts, i see about 2 posts asking each other how things were, family, kids - some really nice loving people... out of the others...

we're Christians... are we? are you? or are you just disguised as one?

if its a mask, stop all this shit, take that false-front out and face it; whether you like it or not, God is watching, we all know it. even as i'm writing this, i know He knows what i was going to say, i'm sure He saw what i saw. i dunno what He's gonna do about it. but i can't just sit here and wait. God calls people to move, for Him.

i moved. i did something. because i love - or rather i try.

how about you?

i spoke, with as much love as a sinner like me can genuinely do so... did you?

tired... thank God for everything... i guess i saw all this on purpose... its SUCH a wonderful motivation, although its abit crude to say so... yeah... motivation... to read the Bible... =]

haix. so many things are happening in church. why? how? when? where's He?



Lord... in Your time... =]

disappointment

i think i made dear dear sad today... hmmm... i was sad, angry, hurt... and when he said those things, i felt... we shouldn't be together if i'm making him so miserable being with me; i don't want anybody to love me, i don't deserve this; i'm such a horrible terrible absolutely horrifying idiot who made someone i love cry... did something that hurt him very much... i thought it would release him from being irritated with me, or at least make his life better... cos... well... i don't talk much... when he seemed to scold me, i felt intimidated and vulnerable to insults... like what happens at home... so i kept quiet, i couldn't even open my mouth to say yes or no... i wanted to run away, leave him behind and say i'm sorry but i'm not worth it... but i didn't... i was hurt, he told me he will wait for me to go back to where i left him standing alone, and every step i took forward made me hurt even more. i couldn't cry in public. so i didn't. if i had a chance to look at my own face, i'd bet i looked cold and heartless... i'd bet i looked cruel. cos i hurt him. when i hugged him, i felt worse, i couldn't bear having to go through all this again - getting scolded, having to absorb that look on his face, feeling the 'i'm not loved again' thing... i didn't want to, but i still did it - for some unknown reason - left my ring in his hand... cried, walked away, cried... cried... cried... went to look for him... he asked if this is really what i wanted... i cried... i never felt so bad before...

Dear dear... i'm sorry... i love you... i want you to know this... i do love you. i kept thinking - u get irritated at me, i feel sad, we get hurt, and it goes in a cycle again - we might as well not be together... but i know its more than that... i'm sorry i kept hurting you again and again... its really me. not you... love you.

Lord, i'm sorry for all the hurt i've caused today... help me be a better person, help me be more deserving of dear dear... and forgive me for all the horrible things i said and did today...

sitting

butt on the stool... fingers on ivory keys... eyes closed... heart silenced...

mind: blank...

how a small moment can be so terrifying... its like waking up and realising you can't see... or realising you became deaf... one part of you disappeared in a matter of a few days...

as a result of? i dunno... stress? fatigue?

or maybe the flame just burned out. no more fuel to keep the fire going...

maybe it ain't burned out. perhaps a small fire left...


in chemistry terms... i need a catalyst... there are 5 factors to increase rate of reaction... catalyst, concentration, particle size, pressure and temperature... =] sec 4 work =] i'm so smart...

confession... almost cheated that day for prac set... but thank God that i didn't.

yesterday... hm... some disappointing moments... disappointing? maybe upseting, instead... or just sad? or tired... nah. how can i be tired of him... nope. hm... but yeah, he's right... ... ... eh, i'm going round and round... okay. my point is. i gotta open up. i think i kept silent for 20 years and still can't get used to talking... thinking about it, yeah, ever since sunshine+superman i've not sang for him one bit... so sad... how can it be so difficult to share your favorite things with someone u love so much... why...

i'm sorry dear dear...


i'm tired... o yeah. i'm tired. tired of myself... yeah. i'm boring. i'm D_E_A_D boring.

i: study; play piano sometimes; sleep less nowadays; do work all the time; absorb fast but rarely have time to do so; perhaps have bad time management; still working on anger management...

can't even manage my own life and i'm studying business and majoring in marketing and management... how ironic. i'm a dumbass...

Ooo yeah =] i have the Tigger song... hehehe. so cute lar... thanks to PenguinRanger who sent it to me =] MOOOOOOOakx. have a pleasant and safe trip!!! =]

hm... stayed up till about 2 last night to do stuff for dear dear... woke up at 9 to edit and touch up... i'm gonna sleep now... yeah again. but come'on i barely slept enough for the week.

goodnight. =]

o yeah... dear God. thank You for bringing me through all difficulties this week - Your grace is really enough. i love You. Amen. =]

bye!!! =] moo.

dear brothers and sisters...

walking into church... breathed the air... felt the Holy Spirit in me...

'Sing... Sing...' it seemed to say... yes... its a brand new day... a new day that God has made. rejoice...

stepped into the usual place... this... this air of... what seems to be complacency was masked in this veil of friendliness...

what happened to humility...

do we still come humble before the Lord? did i?

sometimes i guess... its human err... and for this, Lord, i am sorry and i seek Your mercy and forgiveness... teach us O Holy Spirit to love our God and to serve Him... giving Him all glory... living in fear of the Lord...

its never gonna be the same now... Lord my life is in Your hands... i'm all - A L L - absolutely, completely, totally Yours... failure, achievement, disappointments, frustration, fatigue, joy, anticipation, fear... from me, to You... me... that's all i have to offer. no more, but no less either. i will trust in You. now, and always...

=] huggies, Father in heaven.

i'm the one again

dear earth...

why was it that - or rather - why is it that i'm A_L_W_A_Y_S the one who's not free...

parents... school...

i can't not go to church wat... and i can't not study wat... aiyo...

tired...

o yeah

one more thing...

dear God... thank You that You're able... You're mighty, faithful and You love us... You never sleep and always hear our prayers without getting tired... i will cast all my cares to You... when i'm weak, i know You're stronger... i love You, Father... =] huggies...

Amen.

praise the Lord!!!

=] YEAH!!! just came home from Prayer Summit... W_O_W!!! =]

my God is awesome. =] never felt so wonderful in a long long time... =]

my God is able. i know You will never fail nor fade away.

my God is my first love. 'I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back... Though none come with me, I still will follow, no turning back...' =]

=] yay... i'm happy... happy? no. i'm JOY-full!!! =] full of the JOY of the Lord!!!

o yeah... deardear, thank you for the Tigger umbrella... =] MUAKX! heehee...

shuddup. i'm not childish... i'm special. HARHAR. [hihs school creed: 'i am special because God created me, and He has blessed me with unique talents; I'll be responsible and strive for excellence so that i can contribute most meaningfully to my school and society... i will uphold integrity, and be sincere and charitable; in what i do, i will not hurt others and myself, so as to create a more loving and peaceful community for all... i am special because God created me and He has blessed me with great potential; i'll strive to be an independent lifelong learner, humble in spirit to accept new challenges... standing in all with the HIHS family, we will be one where the love of God reigns...'

so cool right, school creed... although HIHS is a catholic school, i am thankful that God placed me there because i learnt SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much and received soooooooooooooooo much and was sooooooooooooooo blessed to be there... thank You God...

i gtg... =] huggies earth, get well soon, be less polluted k. HARHAR. =]

Au Revoir!!! God bless all!!! =]

school, school, and school...

hello world... okay... Baboon, here's a quick answer to your request. HARHAR. =]

Birthday: yeah i'm 20 now =] yay. i have 150 bugs in hong-bao for my b-day... 'm going to spend it... MAYbe only... see how. =] i'm still trying to convince myself i deserve them...

Projects: darn those assignments... those projects... ARG... lemme list them irritating existances... marketing group report (done and didn't do well), mktg group presentation (coming REAL soon), EBUS case study (fun yet difficult - burned half my brains away thinking what formulae to use - and there's part 1 AND part 2), mktg test, Law test, Accounting prac set (MYOB prac set which is so *xyz*BFFFFFzzzzz* difficult and confusing and makes me hate money), mktg individual assignment (half done and inspiration dissolved over the week), accounting quiz, EBUS Access quiz (excel test was okay, i hope access will be okay to, but not bettin on it, yucks - i dind't even know access was created, actually i still don't know what it is HARHAR)...

Family: guess wat, nobody in my family wished me happy-birthday... they didn't even comee and shake my hand... during cell bbq, they didn't even open their mouths to at least mouth the lyrics of 'happy birthday'... i got a $50 from mum, hong-bao... is this what i want? maybe... is money gonna have to replace the simple 'hey, happy birthday my dear girl'? all i've ever wished for to get on my birthday was a note, or a card, with hand-writing... saying happy birthday to this wonderful person God created... is that so difficult? i'm not asking for a diamond ring, i'm not asking for a golden toilet bowl (i SO wish), i wasn't expecting a grand Steinway piano, or maybe... i wasn't expecting anything but a simple well-wishing... disappointed... [...:(...] [...=(...] [...=/...] my only consolation - my dear dear was the first to wish me happy birthday. heehee =] yay...

Me: breaking out... but i don't give a damn. not really lar, just i really can't be bothered about it anymore... my parents are more worried about my face than my prev shoulder/dunno-what-thingy injury... they're more stressed with my studies than my health and well-being... but i love them... they're all special people, my beloved family, dad's cute, mum's sweet, sis is super super adorable and smart... hm... O YEAH!!! =] not good news... starting to eat less... like when i was in JC... HAR... haix. i dunno what's wrong, i'll try to stuff myself... or the best i can do is not to waste food... =]

planning for caroling now... yay yay yay... i'm picking soloists... Ooo... aren't u excited... HARHAR =]

Moo. i SOOOOOO love the God who created me... =]

Dear God Almighty, i love You. =D

i gotta go... =] BYE world!!! =] God bless u all!!! mooakx!!!

BLARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRH

omGOSH...................................... accounting...................................

the prac set has 2 parts. i'm stuck at the 4th part of the first part. i'm so dead... so dead...

even eating durian sounds easier than accounting now...

God help me please, give me a faster brain that is more inclined towards accounting...

haix... i can't wait...

=] now its 11... one more hour to 'happy day i was born'... =]

yay... =]

dear God

i'm Yours again Father... i will be Yours forever... whatever happens, i will trust You, i will praise You, and i will worship You...

penguin sent me a song... Depths of Your love... thanks penguin... =] love u so much... continue to pray for Bird k, don't give up. =] mooakx.

thank You God, for my dear dear Alex... i have no idea what'd be of me, sometimes, without him... thank You for such a blessing, such a best-friend, such a wonderful gift... such a wonderful and supportive man... =] muakx dear dear...

cowcow's gonna do mktg now. =]

God bless everybody!!! =D

dear Bei =]

i just read your blog, Bei... and i saw this super sweet thing...

I'm your friend.
When you win,
I'll proudly tell the world,"Hey! That's my friend!"
But when you lose,
I'll sit by your side and say,"Hey, I'm your friend."...

harhar. i still remember last time in SRJC we used to do crazy things... look at chemistry teachers' shoes, see which one pretty, mock our geog teacher, make fun of Bei's 'best-fren' HARHAR who'se from the tribal group - this story's my invention *evil laughter* HARHAR. =] den i rmb after A's we were at Vivo eating and talking... den she shared her dream when she was young, i shared how i became a Christian... so nice to talk to her...

and she can make me laugh... by her laughing... and sometimes her random laughter is like... -.- random lor. and her crazy fiesta trying to look for her 'J2 shuai ge' since donkey years ago... HARHAR. den the times when we always try to 'hypnotise' Huda the POSB to come hougang mall with us - take 62 from school. HARHAR...

although i don't meet her as often now, i suppose we've drifted apart, but i know that life in JC without her would be sooooooooooo darn gloomy...

thank you Sibei the squirrel who laughs like crazy and looks like her dog... OMYGOSH YAAAAAAA she looks like her DOG!!!! HARHAR =]

huggies Bei, i miss your craziness. hahaha. i hope i get to see u real soon. =]

God bless u... jiayou in school ya... study ah. and don't keep eating snacks until u get heaty and get sick. harhar. =]

yay

WOO =]

yay i have a God who answers prayers... =] deardear got the deferment!!! yay =]. hehehe. =]

harhar. so nice, came down to meet me... dinner with me at home... saw my new friend - moomoo the cow the cowcow... =] hehehe...

thanks penguin for the cow!!! =] i shall upload photo next time MAYBE. lazy cowcow... =]

MOOAKX. =] thank You, dear God...

o yeah. cried and puked today... =/ tired... real tired... real real tired... i don't want my life to be like this now. wasted away... piano... don't grow old please... mum and dad's not buying another one for me... =/ haix.

thank you penguin for calling everytime something goes wrong... hear your sweet penguin voice i'll be happier and praise God for friends like u and animals... =] MOOAKX. =] to my twin... jiayou ya... don't give up... i believe in you. =] sealion!!! =] u are such a funny animal... =] God bless u...

oo yeah... dearest Tara... bei... the squirrel... thanks so much... after so long u still belive that i'm a cow who can play piano. =] love u. =]

and thank you deardear... for you... just you... =] muakx.

dear God, thank You SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much for the deferment. =] yay. =] You are good and You are able... =] i love You God... =]

i go do project... thylam is really a sweetie. =] hahaha... i don't like de indian... de guy, aiya whatever... heck.

Au Revoir. =]

no hugs...

=[ bull's away... looks like no deferment, since no news since morning... =[...

i hugged my brother tigger, not enough... hug somemore, still not enough. haix. ARG cannot cry. i gotta do work...

haix. thank God its 2 weeks and not 2 months nor 2 years, otherwise i think i'll just collapse. harhar...

haix.

mad cow, laugh and sigh... haix...

mktg report, here i come. haix.

deardear i miss u... =(

question mark

hope...

hope...

hope...

dreams... it all started with dreams...

Dear God, i can't take any more... i don't want to wait until i breakdown or when something happens... i'm sorry...

i was thinking, when were the times i get a word of praise or an expression of love from my parents... its only when i work hard and achieve good results that they say 'keep it up'... its only when i'm crying alone in my room because i'm at my wits end and have no energy that they say 'its okay we love you'...

i worked... so hard, to earn that ' i'm proud of you'... i finally got it when i was 19... top student of CMS... 'wow'...

deardear came my place - supposedly to help me with work... but ended up i finished it cos my word count already met... den he left... i played piano... sang... den it was like this 'allison who are you doing all this for' feeling... so i stopped. and i was thought... den i felt this i-wish-deardear-were-here thing... den i started to cry... den mum came back... i ran into my room... cry somemore, silently...

i msg-ed deardear... but i guess his stomach was still aching. no reply... den realised project is in a mess cos 2 of my members are MIA...

mum came in... she gave me this bowl of abalone to eat... den i started to sob. so hug my mum and cry... i told her i was tired. which in fact i was...

den took and opened new tissue box... penguin msg me... i told her i'm crying... didn't really explain...

went online... janice talked to me on msn...

Janice says (10:44 PM):
well...and...erm....
i dun know if what im going to say will make u cry more.i hope not..
Sunshine!!! * TRANSFORMER-COW * Deuteronomy 31:6 says (10:44 PM):
orh
Janice says (10:44 PM):
but i will give it a go..
Janice says (10:45 PM):
i am very sure ur grandfather is with u all this while..and he is helping u...
yea...spiritually...he is there..
i remember u told me about him and you and...music..
i still remember...

okay..and i truely believe that....no matter how lil time u have to play that piece of music..
the time there gives u peace...
and im sure God's given talent for u is for a reason and purpose..

Janice says (10:50 PM):
i give u an online tissue and a big online tickle tickle tickle!
haha!

Janice says (10:52 PM):
haha! !!! wow! God really works in mysterious ways...
LOL!..suddenly thought if u were online and i said hi...
Sunshine!!! * TRANSFORMER-COW * Deuteronomy 31:6 says (10:52 PM):
huggies.
Janice says (10:52 PM):
its truely amazing!
Sunshine!!! * TRANSFORMER-COW * Deuteronomy 31:6 says (10:52 PM):
yeah =]

look at how God does wonders in my life... PRAISE the LORD!!!

then sings my soul... my saviour, God, to Thee... how great Thou art...

and u know... penguin's talking to me now... such a dear she is...

Father... thank You for the people You've put in my life... deardear's going into camp monday... although i do hope for his deferment to be approved, if its in Your plan for him to be there, then give me peace at heart and keep him safe at camp... i love You Father... Amen...

i gtg bathe. mum msn me to say go gao-gao-zhu...

bye... =]

dear God

dearest Father in heaven...

thank You so much for everything - every moment in my life, every person You've purposed to walk through my everyday life, every pinch of joy in my heart, every overwhelming situation, all difficulties, each trial, each temptation that You deliver me from, and those that i love and who love me...

for all possible reasons i could ever think of, Father, i love You.

=] huggies, Father.

Amen. =D

=/... sorry...

dear earth... i sincerely apologise first... for the selfish way in which i use paper... i printed loads of lecture notes and articles and readings... i'm sorry. i'll try to save more paper - to save you. huggies, earth. =]

dear world!!! =]

BARHARHARHAR =D

MOO... -.-...

okay. don't complain i never touch my blog.

1. got pissed by my aunt cos of an email, but well. i got better things to do.
2. deardear might be called up into camp, soon, so maybe miss my birthday. o well. =/ if its in God's plan, i'm in.
3. i gotta take care of my skin... okay, i get it. stop the nagging. studies still come first, after God of course.
4. i need to keep fit, alamak. like real, its the last on my list of priorities.

lastly. i'm chionging for mktg report, ebus news review, mktg assignment, ebus presentation, law homework due soon, accounting prac set... a.k.a i'm-busy...

dear friends, i'm real sorry i have no time for u guys... no solid time spent with u all, i know i miss out. but i'm sorry. there's a time and season for everything... so... yeah. its studies now. =] i hope u understand. take care. love u ALL... =]

okay. BYE. will update my rantings soon. after my term i think. HARHAR. =D

byby world... Au Revoir.